Anger Management: What Are You So Angry About, Really?

When you strike out in anger, you might miss the other person, but you will always hit yourself. ~Jim Gallery

Striking out with angry words is the cause of so many relationship problems. Words are powerful. They can encourage, strengthen, and change destinies. They can also destroy potential and robs us of hope and peace. Most major fires begin with just a small flame. Before long the fire spreads and becomes more and more difficult to contain. It damages or completely destroys everything in its path. Do we realize how quickly unmanaged anger can do significant damage? And as the quote above humorously expresses, anger always hurts the angry person. Sometimes even more so than those to whom it is directed. That is because we cannot have both peace and bitterness in our hearts. An angry person loses his or her peace and joy. Anger obstructs the expression of love, and without love there is no true happiness.

We all get angry. It is inevitable. But, not all anger is bad. We have heard stories of people who have made major contributions to society, fought against injustices, and made positive life changes as they were motivated by righteous anger. Problematic anger, on the other hand, is usually explosive, hidden, or denied. If not faced and dealt with, anger hinders our ability to have healthy and loving relationships.

So how do we deal with anger? We can begin by recognizing the underlying emotions that lead up to our negative reactions such as feelings of hurt, frustration, shame, rejection, fear, jealousy. The next time you feel angry, ask yourself What emotion is behind my anger? You may begin to see a pattern. For example, a woman gets angry every time her boyfriend is late for their meeting. She realizes that his tardiness makes her feel rejected and this leads to her angry outbursts. What is the underlying problem that needs to be addressed? Rejection. How about the boyfriend who expresses his anger by shutting down when his girlfriend tries to engage him in conversation? As he identifies the pattern, he realizes that he feels jealous every time she talks to other guys. He tries to hide his anger and does not express his feelings to her directly, so he pulls away instead.

Anger does not have to bring ruin to our lives and relationships. There are healthy and effective ways to manage it. I have briefly discussed the underlying emotions of anger and the importance of dealing with the causes. If you need more help in this area, I highly recommend participating in an anger management group. It can be an extremely supportive and helpful resource to equip you with many tools for a better life.

Above all else, may peace rule in our hearts, Krystal

Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it. ~Brian Tracy

Copyright © 2009 BeHappy4Life.com,
written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC
NewDayCounseling.org

For more info on Anger Management Classes in the MetroDetroit Area, Click here:
NewDayCounseling AngerManagement

Remember 911

I recently came across this beautiful quote:
Close your eyes and you will see everything you actually possess.

In a world of materialism and self-indulgence, it’s easy to get distracted from what is most important and valuable to us. You have probably heard of the wealthy executive who paid for his “success” with his health that he could never buy back. Or the workaholic father, wanting to provide his family with the many “things” he thought they needed, kept too busy to give them his time and attention. We can strive to accumulate things, but before we know it, those very things can begin to own us.

Can we buy a happy marriage or family? Good health? True friendship? Peace? Can we attain them by pursuing our materialistic visions and vain indulgences?

I am not only talking about being grateful for what we do have. If we think about it, most of us can say we are truly blessed. I'm talking about priorities. Do our choices and actions reflect what matters most to us?

As we remember 911, I want to think about what matters most in my life and in my country. I remember the tragedy, but I also remember the love. I remember the love that united us as a nation; the love that reached out to those hurting; the love that made sacrifices to help and serve. Remember 911 today and always.

Remembering 911

Life Lessons That Set You Free

True learning can take place at every age of life, and it doesn't have to be in the curriculum plan. ~Suzanne Dale Ezell

It's already September and it's back to school for children as well as adults pursuing higher education. As I was thinking about education, I thought about how we have so many opportunities to continue to learn every single day. If we stop learning, we stop living. Not only does learning help us grow, develop new skills, and prepare us for work and service, but it helps us to know and appreciate our world.

I see education as a gift that leads us to freedom and insight. With education, we can become free of bad habits by learning what steps to take for real change. We can develop new skills by getting the necessary instruction we need. We can make better choices by getting direction that guides our path. We can maximize our potential as we learn more and put into practice what we already know. We can learn and relate to others better by learning from our mistakes.

We are never too young or too old to learn something new. We just need to apply ourselves, listen, and learn. I believe education is freedom because the truth sets us free. Ignorance leads to bondage and keeps us from becoming all we can be. Let's encourage our children to value education and do their best. Develop a love for learning. Show respect for those who teach us. Seek wisdom, knowledge, and discernment. Learn from the experiences of everyday life. Let mistakes be life lessons. Let problems push us to learn and find solutions. Let challenges motivate us to conquer. And let us be thankful that life is an ongoing education. Living is a learning experience!

May we all have another blessed year of learning and growing!

Krystal

Life Lessons Exercise:

At the end of each day, write down 2-3 things you have learned throughout the day. It can be anything. You may have gained greater insight into something you already had some knowledge about. You may have learned an inspiring truth or a sad reality. You may have learned how to be or not to be from someone else's example. You may have learned a simple lesson from another person's good luck or misfortune. You may have learned that you are more special and loved than you had realized. The list never ends.

This simple exercise can be very empowering. It can help us to recognize and appreciate our daily life experiences. It can help us to grow and become better than we were as we reflect and allow ourselves to learn from all life has to teach us.

Life is a journey and an educational experience. What have you learned today?


Copyright © 2009 BeHappy4Life.com,
written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC
NewDayCounseling.org

Marriage Advice: Save Your Marriage with a Getaway? & 4 Warning Signs of a Neglected Marriage

He who returns from a journey is not the same as he who left.
-- Chinese Proverb

When was the last time you took a vacation? A family vacation is one thing, but I am talking about a couples vacation—just you and your spouse. Are you about due yet? If you want to do more than just get away, read on. Vacations can help to refresh and revive relationships. It is like breathing fresh air into them, reenergizing them with greater intimacy and deeper love.

By definition, vacation is time devoted to rest and relaxation as from work or study. So if you are wondering if it is something you can afford, think of it this way. It is something you cannot afford to go without. Without devoted time for rest and relaxation, we get burned out on our jobs, and lose our effectiveness and interest. How about our marriages? They suffer also. Couples grow apart, experience less satisfaction, and are more irritable with each other.

So how can couples keep their relationships healthy and strong? By devoting quality time to them, that is, time away from all that keeps them busy and distracted. Studies show that couples who schedule periodic dates and spend more time together are more satisfied with their marriages than those who don’t. How often do you devote time to be alone together? Whether it’s a date or vacation, spending time together is an investment with great returns.

With no interference from work or home, periodic getaways with our spouses allow us to focus on each other, share memorable life experiences together, and simply have fun. Did you ever experience something enjoyable and wish your partner had been there to share it with you? Well, getaways provide opportunities to create cherished and lifelong memories. Vacations with your partner are about being together in body, soul, and spirit. They are times that bring great fulfillment and wholeness to the relationship. And they are times couples need for their relationships to thrive.

Before you go on vacation you don't want to have any grudges, resentment, or unforgiveness toward one another. It is healthy to release any negative baggage and work through unresolved issues before you go. Otherwise, there is a very good chance they will come up directly or indirectly in a bad attitude, sarcasm, or distancing. The focus ought to be on the strengths of the relationship. You can both make a commitment to overlook minor annoyances and notice the good not the bad. If you are unable to so, then I recommend counseling before you go on a vacation and maybe start with dating first.

Getaways don’t have to be expensive. The real goal is to enjoy being together, to value that time, and to grow and appreciate the beauty of life and gift of love. When planning your special times together, be sure to consider fun things you both like to do, something new you can experience, and romantic and playful ways to enjoy one another. Turn off the cell phones, forget about work, leave your cares behind, and devote quality time to the love of your life. Enjoy each other!



4 Warning Signs of a Neglected Marriage:

1. Priorities out of order. If you devote most of your extra time and attention to anything above God and your spouse, your relationships will suffer. We see this with workaholics. Whether their work is their passion or an escape, it becomes their top priority at all costs. Their spouses and children feel the affects and it damages the most precious gift they are blessed with: family. Anything that comes first in a person’s life can get out of balance and become an idol. It can be an addiction such as pornography or drugs. It can be can an interest or hobby such as sports or entertainment. If a relationship is a top priority, more quality time and attention will be devoted to it. What are your top 5 priorities? Do your actions and devotions support your answer? Where does your spouse place on your list? Would he or she agree?

2. Divided attention. Too often we can be in someone’s company and find that they aren’t fully present. Physically they are, but their thoughts and occupations are elsewhere. They are answering text messages and cell calls. They are distracted by competing cries for their attention. Focus is lost and shifted to other things, and it leaves others feeling less important, alone, or in the way. Divided attention doesn’t have to become an ongoing problem with couples. Appropriate limits and boundaries can be set. Have you been guilty of allowing distractions to draw you away from your partner? If they have been excessive, what can you do limit them? Ask your partner how he or she feels about it and what would be an acceptable solution.

3. Missing Quality Time. When couples don’t spend enough quality time together, they begin to get bored in the relationship. A lack of fun and sharing can lead them to think there is something wrong with their marriage. This leads to confusion about their feelings. Some wonder if they fell out of love, when in fact they haven’t been investing time with each other and fanning the flame to keep their passion and love for each other fully alive. Investing in a relationship takes time and work. Relationships that are neglected grow weak and routine. How satisfied are you with your marriage? How much quality time do you spend with your partner? What enjoyable things do you together for excitement?

4. Over-Stressed. With many responsibilities at work, home, and school in this face-paced society, it is no wonder that many are stressed. Without enough time for rest and relaxation, stress can lead to burnout and irritability as well as relationship and health problems. Reducing stress not only improves ones outlook and energy, it improves relationships. A calm and peaceful state of being brings out the best in us. We are more patient, kind, and content. Is stress weighing on your marriage? What, if anything, are you doing to manage stress?

So, how can getaways help in the 4 key areas we addressed above? First, we decide that time devoted to spend with our spouse is a top priority. Second, we leave all distracting devices and attention seekers behind. Third, we decide to enjoy and appreciate each other’s company by sharing and doing things we enjoy together. Fourth, we release stress and allow peace to fill us and restore us.


Copyright © 2009 BeHappy4Life.com,
written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC
NewDayCounseling.org