The One Thing Love Cannot Live Without

We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it. ~John Lennon

A special day is set aside every year to celebrate the gift of love. During this time we show our appreciation and love for that special someone in our life. We may think up some creative, romantic, and fun ways to express our love and show how much we really care. But celebrating the gift of love just one day or so each year is far from enough. Happy and loving relationships take quite a bit of attention and nurturing on a daily basis.

It is the simple things that show how important our relationships are to us and how much we care about them. We can say, “I love you” in so many ways, but do we do it often enough? We can spend more time together and make it a priority, but is it that important to us? We can do nice things for each other, but do we wait for a special occasion? We can show our appreciation and gratitude for the gift of love we are given, but do we quickly forget and begin taking one another for granted?

John Lennon’s quote above is a beautiful analogy and reminder that our relationships are valuable, and we are to take special care of them if they are to survive and prosper. The gift of love is like a precious plant. A precious plant has many needs like proper nourishment and plenty of light. It cannot be watered just once or twice a year. It needs to be watered often to keep it hydrated and healthy. In the same way, our loving relationships are precious. They require lots of special care and attention. They cannot be left to themselves in hopes that they will grow and prosper. Happy and loving relationships don’t just happen. They take plenty of nurturing.*   As we celebrate the gift of love this year, may we remember that it is a precious gift that needs to be looked after every day and all year round. Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Life's greatest happiness is to be convinced we are loved. ~Victor Hugo

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.  To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving. ~Kahlil Gibran



Copyright © 2011 Krystal Kuehn. All Rights Reserved.
New Day Family Counseling & Couples Counseling Center & BeHappy4Life.com





 


*For more on how to nurture, improve, and have successful relationships go to: The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships (or pdf)




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Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher & musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling, a family marriage counseling and teen child therapy center, BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and inspirational site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights & words of inspiration to change your life, and Baby-Poems.com where you can find beautiful baby poems, baby quotes, cute sayings & baby videos that will touch your heart & increase your joy & gratitude for the children you love & enjoy! Krystal is also author of The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships and several blogs: Give Thanks Journal, Baby Poems blog & Be Your Best blog.

 
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Marriage Advice: Save Your Marriage with a Getaway? & 4 Warning Signs of a Neglected Marriage

He who returns from a journey is not the same as he who left.
-- Chinese Proverb

When was the last time you took a vacation? A family vacation is one thing, but I am talking about a couples vacation—just you and your spouse. Are you about due yet? If you want to do more than just get away, read on. Vacations can help to refresh and revive relationships. It is like breathing fresh air into them, reenergizing them with greater intimacy and deeper love.

By definition, vacation is time devoted to rest and relaxation as from work or study. So if you are wondering if it is something you can afford, think of it this way. It is something you cannot afford to go without. Without devoted time for rest and relaxation, we get burned out on our jobs, and lose our effectiveness and interest. How about our marriages? They suffer also. Couples grow apart, experience less satisfaction, and are more irritable with each other.

So how can couples keep their relationships healthy and strong? By devoting quality time to them, that is, time away from all that keeps them busy and distracted. Studies show that couples who schedule periodic dates and spend more time together are more satisfied with their marriages than those who don’t. How often do you devote time to be alone together? Whether it’s a date or vacation, spending time together is an investment with great returns.

With no interference from work or home, periodic getaways with our spouses allow us to focus on each other, share memorable life experiences together, and simply have fun. Did you ever experience something enjoyable and wish your partner had been there to share it with you? Well, getaways provide opportunities to create cherished and lifelong memories. Vacations with your partner are about being together in body, soul, and spirit. They are times that bring great fulfillment and wholeness to the relationship. And they are times couples need for their relationships to thrive.

Before you go on vacation you don't want to have any grudges, resentment, or unforgiveness toward one another. It is healthy to release any negative baggage and work through unresolved issues before you go. Otherwise, there is a very good chance they will come up directly or indirectly in a bad attitude, sarcasm, or distancing. The focus ought to be on the strengths of the relationship. You can both make a commitment to overlook minor annoyances and notice the good not the bad. If you are unable to so, then I recommend counseling before you go on a vacation and maybe start with dating first.

Getaways don’t have to be expensive. The real goal is to enjoy being together, to value that time, and to grow and appreciate the beauty of life and gift of love. When planning your special times together, be sure to consider fun things you both like to do, something new you can experience, and romantic and playful ways to enjoy one another. Turn off the cell phones, forget about work, leave your cares behind, and devote quality time to the love of your life. Enjoy each other!



4 Warning Signs of a Neglected Marriage:

1. Priorities out of order. If you devote most of your extra time and attention to anything above God and your spouse, your relationships will suffer. We see this with workaholics. Whether their work is their passion or an escape, it becomes their top priority at all costs. Their spouses and children feel the affects and it damages the most precious gift they are blessed with: family. Anything that comes first in a person’s life can get out of balance and become an idol. It can be an addiction such as pornography or drugs. It can be can an interest or hobby such as sports or entertainment. If a relationship is a top priority, more quality time and attention will be devoted to it. What are your top 5 priorities? Do your actions and devotions support your answer? Where does your spouse place on your list? Would he or she agree?

2. Divided attention. Too often we can be in someone’s company and find that they aren’t fully present. Physically they are, but their thoughts and occupations are elsewhere. They are answering text messages and cell calls. They are distracted by competing cries for their attention. Focus is lost and shifted to other things, and it leaves others feeling less important, alone, or in the way. Divided attention doesn’t have to become an ongoing problem with couples. Appropriate limits and boundaries can be set. Have you been guilty of allowing distractions to draw you away from your partner? If they have been excessive, what can you do limit them? Ask your partner how he or she feels about it and what would be an acceptable solution.

3. Missing Quality Time. When couples don’t spend enough quality time together, they begin to get bored in the relationship. A lack of fun and sharing can lead them to think there is something wrong with their marriage. This leads to confusion about their feelings. Some wonder if they fell out of love, when in fact they haven’t been investing time with each other and fanning the flame to keep their passion and love for each other fully alive. Investing in a relationship takes time and work. Relationships that are neglected grow weak and routine. How satisfied are you with your marriage? How much quality time do you spend with your partner? What enjoyable things do you together for excitement?

4. Over-Stressed. With many responsibilities at work, home, and school in this face-paced society, it is no wonder that many are stressed. Without enough time for rest and relaxation, stress can lead to burnout and irritability as well as relationship and health problems. Reducing stress not only improves ones outlook and energy, it improves relationships. A calm and peaceful state of being brings out the best in us. We are more patient, kind, and content. Is stress weighing on your marriage? What, if anything, are you doing to manage stress?

So, how can getaways help in the 4 key areas we addressed above? First, we decide that time devoted to spend with our spouse is a top priority. Second, we leave all distracting devices and attention seekers behind. Third, we decide to enjoy and appreciate each other’s company by sharing and doing things we enjoy together. Fourth, we release stress and allow peace to fill us and restore us.


Copyright © 2009 BeHappy4Life.com,
written by Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC
NewDayCounseling.org

Help Save My Marriage: What are We Holding On to?

You know something is wrong in your marriage. Love is not the problem. You love each other although you do not always act like it. Commitment to the relationship and to stay together through hardships may not be the problem either. But, there is something that continues to keep you apart emotionally, physically, intimately.

There was a time when you felt secure and safe together. If you hurt each other, you apologized or showed somehow that you were really sorry. You did not let tensions build or hold grudges. You wanted to continue getting along and enjoying being together. But over time, some conflicts never really got resolved. They could have been pushed under the rug or become triggers to major blowouts. Over time, habits and differences became more annoying and more difficult to accept. Blame instead of shared responsibility became the norm. Personal attacks or insults became the more common reaction to feeling rejected, angry, or hurt. Instead of going to each other for support, comfort, and love, you began to distance yourselves from each other. It is as though your hearts were growing cold.

Distancing in a relationship keeps people apart on all levels. You do not have the trust you once had for your partner so you do not draw close emotionally. You do not feel the same affection and attraction because there is greater focus on what you do not like, respect, or appreciate about your partner. Distancing leads to greater problems if couples do not make efforts to draw close to one another.

What keeps couples in this dangerous state? It might start with pride or a sense of self-sufficiency, but it eventually becomes a hardened heart. A heart that is hardened blocks the flow of love. It forfeits peace and acceptance. It holds on to unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is detrimental to any marriage or relationship. With unforgiveness, there is an underlying attitude that “you owe me.” Yes, perhaps, an apology was never given that should have been or you were not treated right. Maybe you were terribly wronged, mistreated, and hurt. Forgiving someone does not make it okay. What it does is set you free, free to love unconditionally, free to know inner peace, free to connect with others on a deeper level, free to enjoy life.

Offenses and injustices need to be discussed and resolved. If they are not addressed in a relationship, they can lead to serious problems and keep a couple in a state of discontent. Think about anything that you have been holding on to that has blocked the flow of love in your heart. A hard heart can be softened, but you must choose to let love in. Will you open your heart? Will you face what has hurt you and work through it until you can release the hold it has on you?

Can a marriage be saved when there is unforgiveness and hardened hearts? Yes, it can when you decide to open your heart by releasing all that is holding love back. Let love in. Love is a healing balm that makes you whole—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Love unites. If softens and fills you with hope and peace. It lifts the heaviness that weighed you down for far too long. Marriages can be restored when offenses are released and forgiveness takes place. Soften your hearts towards one another and make room for love to grow. Love has always been there, but it was blocked. Let forgiveness unblock its flow today and save your marriage!


Copyright © 2009 Krystal Kuehn. This article is a part of the Help Save My Marriage collection by Krystal.

For more info on great resources, free programs, and help for relationships, go to BeHappy4Life.com.

Help Save My Marriage: What Happened to Our Vows?

Passion can never purchase what true love desires:
true intimacy, self-giving, and commitment.


When people make a promise to us, we usually expect and hope that they will keep it. Especially when it is from those we love and care about. We want to trust them and have the security of knowing that we can count on their word.

How about in marriage?
How many people stay committed to their promises?

Think about the marriage vows couples make to each other. Vows are promises. They usually include notions of affection (promises to love and respect one another) as well as faithfulness (promises to remain true and to stay together).

The following is an excerpt of marriage vows made by so many. I’m sure they will sound familiar:

To have and to hold, from this day forward,
for better for worse, for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

Why are vows hard to keep sometimes? It is because relationships are hard work! When difficult times come (and they will), when feelings or circumstances change, there is one thing that will keep a couple together and that is their commitment to their marriage.

The real difference between a successful marriage and a troubled one is the level of their commitment to work through problems and challenges. Couples who do not stay committed through the difficult times usually end up getting divorced. Successful couples work on resolving their conflicts. They don’t give up; they stay committed to the relationship.

If they cannot resolve their conflicts together, they seek help. They keep their promises Let us look at some of them again:

They promised: For better or for worse. So when it gets worse, they work together to make it better.

They promised: For richer or poorer. So when financial problems arise, they work together to pull out of them.

They promised: In sickness and in health. If sickness or tragedy strikes, or when they grow old, they cope with the challenges together and support each other in any way they can.

They promised: to love and to cherish. They can do this when they understand that true love is more than a feeling. It is a commitment.

And finally, they promised each other: Till death do us part. That means that they will remain faithful, resist temptations, and stay committed to their marriage for as long as they live.

Now that’s a huge commitment with some very serious promises! I really believe that most couples want their marriages to work. Sometimes what they need more than anything else is some insight and a few skills in key relationship areas such as communication, conflict resolution, money issues, sexuality & intimacy, romance. I know that professional counseling can be of help in many cases. I also recommend a program with proven tips and techniques at HelpSaveMyMarriage.net where thousands of marriages have been saved. Visit today and sign up for a free 6-week mini course.

I hope to encourage you to stay true to your commitments. If necessary, get some help, make needed changes, learn more. Remember, your level of commitment will affect the quality of your marriage.


Passion is the quickest to develop and the quickest to fade.
Intimacy develops more slowly,
and commitment more gradually still.
~Robert Sternberg


Copyright © 2009 BeHappy4Life.com, written by Krystal Kuehn This article is based on the BeHappy4Life Audio Podcast: Help Save My Marriage by Krystal Kuehn.

Help Save My Marriage: Are We Falling Out of Love?

Before a marriage or relationship ends, one or both partners usually claim that they are no longer “in love”. The passion, affection, and harmony that were once present are now replaced with disagreements, emotional withdrawal and physical distancing.

Relationships grow and develop as partners change and adapt to life and each other. It is an ongoing process. At the beginning of a new relationship, love is intoxicating. Differences and incompatibilities go unnoticed. This highly enjoyable stage of a relationship doesn’t last forever. Soon after the excitement wears off, partners have an opportunity to get to know and accept each other for who they really are. It is at this point that they discover the hard work that happy and successful relationships require.

Every relationship has conflicts. When they arise, a couple’s love and commitment will be tested. The real difference between a successful marriage or relationship and a troubled one is the level of their commitment to work through problems and challenges. Couples who do not stay committed through the difficult times usually end up getting divorced. Successful couples work on resolving their conflicts. They persevere and stay committed to the relationship. If they cannot resolve their conflicts together, they seek help. On the contrary, a relationship with unresolved conflicts grows distant. Eventually, layers upon layers of hurt feelings, insecurities, and unresolved issues develop which lead to more serious relationship problems.

Most couples want their marriages to work. For most, it’s a matter of rekindling their love and acceptance of one another, learning how to resolve conflicts, becoming better listeners, and resolving to stay committed to each other. There is no perfect marriage or relationship. Marriages go through changes and allow partners to grow closer and deeper in love as a result.

Falling out of love usually means falling out of commitment. If you want to fall back in love, it begins with a commitment to your partner. Are you willing to resolve your conflicts when they occur rather than ignore them or let them escalate? Share your feelings and thoughts with love and acceptance rather than criticism and judgment? Focus on what you like about each other rather than what can be improved? Accept your differences and agree that you can disagree and still love and respect each other? Be thankful for and appreciate your partner? Make time for each other? Show your partner respect and love every day? Get professional help if you need it?

Being in love is one of the greatest experiences in the world. It’s more than a good feeling that eventually fades. It’s an intimate connection with another human being unlike any other. It involves a life commitment that surpasses feelings and reaches deep into the soul where true love resides. This love lasts forever and is unconditional. It is not dependent upon feelings or circumstances. It is eternal and true. It is a love every marriage can experience.

Relationships can be restored. Love can be rekindled. Marriages can be happy and succeed. Sometimes what is needed more than anything else is some insight and a few skills in key relationship areas such as communication, commitment, sexuality and intimacy, conflict resolution, money issues, romance, crisis, cheat-proofing your marriage. You can find all this plus a free 6-week mini-course at HelpSaveMyMarriage.net where thousands of marriages have been saved.

Rather than enduring an unhappy or troubled marriage, or becoming another statistic of divorce, make today a new day of commitment to your marriage! Get the help that can make all the difference and save your relationship today!

C2009 Krystal Kuehn

Friendship, Love & Marriage

It's interesting how people come and go in our lives. Some become good friends, others make a significant impression on our lives, some hurt us and use us, and they all teach us about life in one way or another. Best friends are truly a gift from God. I believe that every successful and happy marriage is made up of true friendship. Following is an article I wrote awhile ago about friendship in marriage. For more resources on improving all your friendships, go to my free online Love & Relationships Workshop.

My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me. ~Henry Ford

Friendship & Love: The Foundation of a Happy Marriage

Is Your Spouse Your Best Friend?

When people first get married they usually expect their love and commitment to last for a lifetime. Unfortunately, for at least half of all couples it doesn't. What happens? Soon after marriage couples discover that the bliss of falling in love quickly fades. They no longer see each other through rose colored glasses. The ease with which they once overlooked each other's faults becomes much more difficult.

With married life, couples begin to encounter new challenges, roles and responsibilities. Conflicts arise and sometimes go unresolved. Tensions build. Commitments weaken. Mutual respect isn't always present. And, unconditional love and acceptance do not always last. So how do you build a strong marriage that can withstand the onslaughts of life's challenges?

No one ever said that marriage is easy. Marriage is hard work. To keep a marriage strong, satisfying and lasting requires a great deal of investment. It takes time and energy to get to know and understand your spouse; to set goals and share dreams together; and to have fun and enjoy each other. Couples sometimes lose touch with each other and grow apart when they get lax and don't work on their marriage. Yet when they do, they are much more likely to feel very close and deeply cared for by their partner.

Couples who invest in their marriages can build deep friendships. Researchers have found that the level of a couple's friendship is the greatest indicator of success in marriage. Couples who are close and are best friends have more happiness and satisfaction in their lives. Best friends are trustworthy, safe, understanding, loving, accepting and respectful. Best friends are a strong buffer in times of trouble. You can count on them. They are supportive and faithful. Best friends can work through conflicts and pressures that threaten the relationship. Best friends do not give up on each other. They forgive. They share.

You may have been your spouse's partner and lover, but have you been your spouse's best friend? If your marriage is not all that you would like it to be and you want to begin investing more into your marriage to make it better, why not begin with your friendship. You may likely find that it is one of the greatest investments you will ever make.

Copyright © 2007 BeHappy4Life.com. All Rights Reserved

Some of my favorite friendship quotes:

Every gift from a friend is a wish for your happiness. ~Richard Bach

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. ~unknown

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. Eccl. 4:9-10

A real friend never gets in the way, unless you happen to be on the way down. ~Evan Esar

Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are. ~Houssaye

For more quotes, free resources, and my monthly newsletter & much more, go to http://www.behappy4life.com/