5 Parenting Tips for Communicating with Children & Teens

There is nothing that adequately prepares us for the most important job there is—parenting. Children and teens do not come with an owner’s manual, and most of our training is on the job. With our own parents as our most prominent role models, we tend to repeat what we have learned about parenting from them. We do our best, learn as we go, and make our own mistakes along the way; but we don’t have to leave our parenting to chance. We can become more effective parents. We can parent with more confidence instead of frustration. Parenting can be enjoyable and rewarding instead of stressful.

Following are some parenting tips for improving communication and building healthy and respectful relationships with our children and teens.

(1) Show interest in your kids

One of the best ways to get anyone to talk is to show interest in them and what is important to them. Sports, music, or any other activity provides great ways to connect and share. Become engaged in whatever it is your child or teen enjoys. It can be anything--watching a football game together, listening to songs and talking about favorite artists, joining a video game, watching your child draw or build model cars, or helping your daughter with her hair and nails.

(2) Initiate conversations

Often parents begin conversations with a question instead of simply sharing their thoughts. Kids are more likely to engage in conversations when they do not feel they have to explain or defend themselves. Letting them know you are thinking about them and that you care about what is happening in their lives are good ways to initiate conversations. Timing is important as well. Good times to talk might be bedtime, while driving, or at dinner.

(3) Make yourself available                                                                            

Sometimes parents get so busy and don’t realize that their children feel there is no time left for them. They do not express this directly saying, “You know, I’ve been feeling neglected lately. It seems you’re so busy with everything and everyone else and don’t make time for me. And when you are with me, you seem preoccupied and distracted.” They might, instead, distance themselves or act out for some negative attention. Making time for kids can be a sacrifice, especially for very busy parents, but the investment is well worth it. Developing a good relationship with one’s children requires time—both quality time and quantity of time. Planning weekly one-on-one time with no distractions is a good idea. Kids want to know that they are important and valued. Making yourself available to them communicates this loud and clear.

(4) Be a good listener

You know you have heard someone correctly when they feel understood. One way to do this is to repeat what you think you heard back to them. They will clarify what they meant if they think you are genuinely interested and trying to understand them. Kids also need to feel safe when sharing their thoughts, with no fear of judgment, being cut off, or causing an angry reaction. It is important to resist arguments and criticism. When there are disagreements, parents can express that it is okay to disagree. Although their thoughts and feelings differ, they are not rejecting their child. Parents and their children will encounter many differences in opinion. However, being a good listener lets your children know that you understand where they are coming from without lecturing or threatening.

(5) Use words to motivate

If you see your children and teens as winners, beautiful, and full of potential, they will know it and act on it. It will show in how you treat them and what you say. As a result, they will believe in themselves as well. Your words have power. The words of a parent can motivate and empower for a lifetime. They can also discouraged and break a child’s spirit if they are negative and critical. We can all recall things our parents have said about us that we have carried with us throughout our lives, such as: I believe in you. You can do anything you set your mind to. You are so smart and creative. Or, you will never amount to anything. You do not have what it takes. You are the ugly one of the family. Let us choose our words carefully. Speaking good things over them, blessing them with our words motivates them to fulfill their purpose in life.

It is not easy parenting children and teens and knowing what to say or how to bring out the best in them. Feeling connected and getting along with our kids takes time and effort. The goods news is that parents and teens can have healthy connections that are founded upon trust and unconditional love. The parenting tips provided above are a good start to better communication and a more rewarding parenting experience. For more tips or help with problems, parents may benefit from parenting classes or family counseling.

Copyright 2010 All Rights Reserved. Written by Krystal Kuehn. NewDayCounseling.org

Children need love, especially when they don’t deserve it. ~anonymous

Love is the greatest gift that one generation can leave to another. ~Richard Garnett

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling Services, a couples, family counseling and child teen counseling center, and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.

Relationship Advice: Love, Couples & Friends

Before you got into a couples relationship, you had your own friends to hang out with and have fun. You never had to worry about a partner who did not like your friends or did not want to hang out with them. You never had to concern yourself with problems that could arise if you simply wanted to spend some time with your friends rather than your partner. But once you left the singles scene and became a couple, some things regarding friendships began to change.

Following are some common challenges that couples face regarding friendships.

(1) Finding couples friends that both you and your partner enjoy spending time with.

One of you might like spending time with another couple while the other does not. So what do you do? There are a couple of factors to consider when looking for other couples to hang out with:

How time is spent together

When couples share common interests, they are more likely to enjoy the company of other couples with the same interests. For example, if both couples like to do certain things like go to sporting events, (or concerts, comedy club, the theatre, bowling, golfing, or playing cards, watching movies, or just hanging out and talking), they will all enjoy the activity and are more likely to actively engage and work together. We have all participated in things we really enjoy and find that even if we have an issue with someone or something, we can still enjoy ourselves. Personally, I experienced this when working in an orchestra. Once we got into playing the music, our differences subsided for the time being and we all had a great time. On the other hand, if one or more individuals really lack interest in the activities, there is a good chance they will not enjoy spending time together. It might be the activity more than the couple that they do not appreciate and enjoy. Finding things both couples like to do can make a big difference.

Personalities, Compatibility, and Connections

Another important factor that affects enjoying time spent with couple friends is the connection they all have. Do they genuinely like and respect one another? Are they comfortable and feel safe to open up? We connect with others when we find commonalities on which we can bond, such as hobbies, political or religious views, interests, problems, or life experiences. There are so many different levels on which we can connect. Once we do, real friendships can develop and we begin to enjoy time spent together in laughter, sharing, learning, and appreciating life together. Oftentimes, the most rewarding couple friendships develop between couples involved in common goals and interests. That is why it is important that each couple develop goals together first, then they can share them with other couples.

(2) Avoiding conflicts when one of you does not want to hang out with the other’s friends

Couple relationships require a great deal of sharing, giving, and compromise if they are going to be happy and healthy. Doing something the other person wants to do when we do not want to can be handled in several ways. First, you have the choice to do it anyway. That can be a sacrifice on your part, but you do it for your partner. Secondly, you can decide to work out a compromise. You need to discuss this and both feel good and right about it. If one partner feels taken advantage of, it can turn into resentment and bitterness that will eventually come out and affect the relationship. So, you may agree to hang out with his friends today and he will go shopping with you all day tomorrow. Do whatever works as long as you both have a good attitude. It is about give and take. The better we get at it, as it applies to our relationships, the better we can avoid conflicts and find lasting satisfaction in our relationships.

(3) Allowing each other time apart and freedom to choose how and with whom it is spent

Couples ought to have an agreed upon together or "we time" and agreed upon time apart or "me time." Me time should be used any way the person chooses, whether alone or with friends. If one partner does not have their own friends, they can use this time to visit their relatives or simply do something on their own. Whatever they choose to do, the other person’s time apart ought to be respected. It is a good idea to discuss and agree that time alone and time apart from each other will be honored and respected without resentment. The important thing is that couples are satisfied with their time together. A satisfying relationship built on trust creates security. Couples ought to be secure enough in their relationship to let their partners go when separate time is needed. Relationships require a certain amount of freedom. There is an old adage that says, "When you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it does not, it never was." It is not in the best interest of a relationship to make the partner with friends feel guilty or to impose upon his or her "me time." If the issue has to do with the type of friends he or she is spending time with, this needs to be addressed. If it is his own insecurities or boredom, he ought to develop some new interests apart from the relationship or talk to a counselor who can help him work through some possible insecurities, fears, or boundary issues. Couples can also benefit from couples counseling as they establish healthy boundaries and build new friendships.

Copyright 2009 All Rights Reserved. Written by Krystal Kuehn. NewDayCounseling.org

I wrote this article in response to an interview for The Detroit Free Press. To read more on the topic, check out: Don’t Forget Pals When Dating by Cathy Nelson (The Detroit Free Press, January 10, 2010).

Krystal Kuehn, MA, LPC, LLP, NCC is a psychotherapist, author, teacher and musician. She is the cofounder of New Day Counseling Services, a family and couples counseling center and BeHappy4Life.com, an award-winning, self-help and personal growth site where you can find hundreds of free resources, insights and inspiration.

Taking Better Care of Our Spirits, Souls & Bodies

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it's because they take better care of it. ~Cecil Selig

Do you ever wonder why it seems that some people have better attitudes, healthier bodies, and more successful relationships than others have?  It is easy to just look at them and assume that they are just lucky or have it easy as opposed to the rest of us.  But more often than not, it is because they work on these areas in their lives. 

Positive attitudes are the result of repeatedly making it a habit to be thankful, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, looking at the good rather than the bad in ourselves and others, and focusing on possibilities and solutions rather than the problems.  Healthy bodies do not just happen either.  Our eating habits, exercise, and stress all play a part in our physical well-being.  It takes discipline and commitment to resist and limit our intake of unhealthy foods, eat right, exercise at least 3 times a week, relax our bodies and minds, and improve our coping with stress.  And finally, successful relationships don't just happen, but require our time and attention.  Our relationships are precious and of great value.  There is so much we can do to invest in them and make them better. (See The 10 Keys to Happy and Loving Relationships for ideas). 

If we take better care of our mental and physical health, as well as our relationships, it WILL pay off. It may require some extra effort, work and investment, but we will find that it is well worth it!!


Take care, Krystal


Take better care of yourself--body, soul & spirit with the self-help program: The 9 Habits of Happy People
If you could use some help from a counselor, I encourage you to take better care of yourself and your family with family therapy or couples therapy

It's A New Day for a New Beginning

Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new end. ~Carl Bard

You've heard it said, It's not how you start, it's how you finish.  Sometimes we wish we could go back and do things all over again.  It would be so different if we could just have a brand new start.  But no matter how far off track we have gotten, or where the road has turned, we can still reach our destination.  The life before us is filled with hope and promise.  No detour can change our purpose and call.  We just might have to take a different way to get there than we expected.  Yet, we will fulfill our dreams and purpose as long as we are willing to pick ourselves back up and start from where we are at right now. 

It's a new day for a new beginning!

Every day is a new beginning. Treat it that way.  Stay away from what might have been, and look at what can be. ~Marsha Petrie Sue

The secret to a rich life is to have more beginnings than endings. ~Dave Weinbaum